Awareness

As a child I was not really aware of other people, happy in my own little bubble. I did not realise that I was selfish until one day when I was about 16 I was starting off cycling home from school and another lad who normally came with me berated me for not waiting for him. Even though we nearly always went togethe it had not occurred to me to wait. Over the years as I have become more alert to others, I have sought to moderate my behaviour but underneath I suspect that |I am just the same old selfish person as I  always have been. I am capable of quite unselfish acts of service, however it irks me that they do not spring out of a spontaneous love of humanity but from learned behaviour. All around me holy and heathen alike seems to have natural acts of goodness springing from them whilst crabby old me has to work at it. My spontanaity is pre meditated. I suuppose that provided the job gets done and people are blessed it doesn't matter and the fact that I get little reward and a feeling of insincerety from it is of no consequence.